Musings

Ok, so here's what I'm currently pondering...Change is a big theme. Also endings. For both Rich and I, our current jobs will end soon - which means the end of familiarity and comfortableness (sp?) job-wise for a little while. I can't really remember how I felt when I moved from Capital of Culture to NYAS, but I'm certain the feelings of trepidation were just as profound! I'm also certain I'll feel at home in no time - we both will, in our respective new positions - it's just that initial few weeks. For me, I get so concerned with 'first impresisons' - I feel like there's a loud hailer in my mind yelling 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS LAST' I can't decide who I want to be in this new job. Think about it: the possibilities are endless! I can be whoever I want to be! Play any role. (Though there's a lot to be said for 'being yourself' - this is too important to play about with characters....or are they characters or simply just different expresisons of 'self'!? That's a whole other thought process!)

But I digress...So, I've decided I think change is good. I used to HATE, LOATHE and DETEST it but now I feel like I NEED it. I need something to shift! I've noticed myself of late being so lacksadaisical about life: no motivation to get off my backside and do anything! Be it exercise, going out, church stuff, even going to work. I feel as if I am living in a dreamworld where the only rules I have to follow are those I set myself and societal rules do not apply. I can't really explain it. I need something to shake me up and alter my routine so that I am forced to engage and bloomin well make some changes! I feel as if there's a whole new me on the horizon - kind of a caterpillar to butterfly moment. The drive and discipline I had last this time last year were amazing, and unlike anything else I've experienced before. Where did that go? How is it so temporary?! I remember so vividly the morning after our wedding (for obvious reasons but that's not what I mean), we had breakfast and I recall heading toward the fruit and yogurt health section and then thinking 'Hold on, the wedding's over, I can eat like a normal person again!' and headed to the 'Full English' section. Pretty much have not stopped since. I was moaning at the nurse who administered my pill injection the other day that it was making me fat. She explained - rather curtly I might add - that it was because I was happy. 'You'll be fat for the first year because you're happy, then you lose it in the second year and then you'll have your children'

She ACTUALLY said that, as if getting married is some sort of foregone conclusion! I nearly threw up on the spot! So happiness, according to the NHS, is equated with gluttony! NO NO NO!
I will NOT be that girl! In my mind's eye I saw myself getting older in that computer generated way like on 'Honey we're killing the kids'!!!!!!

Isn't the mind a funny thing! About once a year when I feel like this, I read Anna Maxted's 'Running in Heels' - a chick lit novel by anyone else's standards, but I absolutely love it. I identify with it so much and I love that it's full of hope. I finished it last night and suddenly I feel so much more hopeful about life and taking control of my own, myself. No-one else can do that, it's NOT a foregone conclusion.

Maybe it's something to do with Spring being on the way- I'm coming out of the sleepy, hibernation stage....who knows, but anyways, change is most certainly on the way and I for one cannot wait to embrace it with open arms and all the new beginnings and 'life shifts' it'll bring.

Gosh that was a long rant....